The Bored Princess Act I: The Castle. King & Queen seated at a table, enter Princess stage Right. Scene 1 Narrator: Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there was a young princess who loved excitement. This princess would do anything as long as it was an adventure. The only problem was her parents... King: Ah, daughter! There you are. It's almost tea time. Where are you headed? Princess (looking furtive): Good morning daddy. I was just going out to, ah, look at the clouds. K: Oh, no. I recognize that look. You were planning to take your horse out hunting heffalumps, weren't you? I've made it quite clear that you're much too old to be playing childish games. You're a princess. You've got to learn decorum. Now come and be a good girl and go get me my pipe. And my bowl. And call the fiddlers three too. We could use the entertainment. P (exasperated instantly): Oh, daddy. Can't you just have tea in cups like normal people? And those fiddlers are SOooo bad. K: This is how things are done when you're royalty, so you'd better get used to it. P exits stage Right. Returns with pipe & bowl followed by a servant girl carrying a pot of tea and scones. P pours for everyone. Everyone drinks quietly for a while. P makes a slurping sound. K & Q look at her disapprovingly & she quits. Another silent minute passes. P: This is Sooo boring. Doesn't anything ever happen around here? K smiles at Q who smiles back. K (to Q): Well, should I tell her dear? Q: Oh do. K: Well, princess. Your boring times are coming to an end. There's someone important who's going to be arriving tomorrow morning. P: Who? What could anyone do to make this place less boring? K: Your future husband, prince Tony. You'll like him. He kills dragons. P: REALLY?! A real live knight? And he kills dragons? WoW! A bit of interlude music by clarinet. Scene 2. Same location, table removed. K, Q & P standing, waiting. Trumpet fanfare. Enter flag bearer & a few assistants, followed by prince Tony, flourishing a sword. Crowd: Hail Tony! Long live prince MonoTony! Tony: Here I am! Bravest of the brave. Noblest of the noble. Hip hip Crowd: Horray! T: Now where is my princess? Where is my darling? K: Come daughter, meet your husband to be. P: Hi, Tony. Do you really fight dragons? T: Do I fight dragons? I'll show you how I fight. Pretend you're a dragon and attack me. P flaps her arms and goes after Tony. He dodges and wacks her over the shoulders. They repeat this several times before she drops dead. Tony carries on a monologue while this is going on. T: The dragon sweeps out of the sky & I jump out of the way and crack his left sholder! He turns to grab me, but I'm too quick and Wack! I break his right wing. Again I skip lightly out of his way and Wap! I hit his forleg. And again, and again, and then he sinks to the ground, dead as a doornail! P (jumping up): That's wonderful! You must be the bravest man in the entire world! T: That's me! No dragon has dared to put his foot inside of my farther's kingdom since I was born. P: So you travel around the world too! Do you go to very distant lands to find dragons to kill? T: Hundreds of miles. I've traveled across the river a dozen times. And when I appear, the dragons all flee in terror! P: Wow! How many dragons have you killed? T: Dragons are terrified of me. P (a bit suspicious): How many dragons have you fought? T: No dragon has ever dared to come within one hundred miles of me. P (very doubtful): Can I see you collection of dragon tails? T: Oh, dragon tails are very dirty. You wouldn't like them. All full of blood and gore. P (to K): Daddy! You said he was a dragon killer! He doesn't even know what a dragon looks like! K: There, there girl. It's not his fault if there aren't any dragons around to fight. I'm sure he would be quite brave if there were any. (to Q) Don't you agree, dear? Q: Oh, quite. If the dragons all flee from him, how could he fight any? At least he looks noble in his armour. After all, if he actually fought REAL dragons, he might get hurt! P: Oh, drat! If only... At this juncture, there is a horrible roaring from stage Left. Enter the dragon! Flapping his mighty wings, breathing CO2. Dragon: It is I! Dragon Disasterous. The most powerful, the most vicious, the most horrible dragon that ever lived! I have come for my tribute!!! Everyone screams & runs away, esp. Tony. K & Q cower in one corner. P just stands, staring with open mouth. D: Where is King Frederick? Bring him to me this instant, else I shall destroy this entire village! K: I'm... I'm... I'm... D: You're sniveling! Who are you? K: the, the, kkkkk king. D: You're not Frederick! Don't tell me a miserable beast like you could overthrow Frederick the conqueror?! K: NNNNN no. Frederick was my my my my ggggg great gggggg grandfather. D: What!!! (CO2!) What do you mean great grandfather? What century is this? K: fffff fifteen thirty-seven. YYYY Your dragoness. D (suddenly quite calm and reflective): 1537? Has it been that long? (Takes out a pocket watch & shakes it.) Two centuries late. I told him butter wouldn't suit the works! Well, I apologize then. It could happen to anyone. Now where's my tribute? K: TTTTTribute? D: Of course. We dragons always take tribute. (takes out calculator) That's two sacks of gold per year over two hundred years at 6% interest, compounded semi-annually. Um... 1,697 sacks and 37 coppers. D (looks appraisingly at King.): I don't suppose you have that much, do you? K: 1,697 sacks of gold? D: and 37 coppers. No, forget it. You certainly don't. Well, how about a daughter? I could use a nice princess. Q: No no. Not her! Please! D: Oh, wonderful. Is that her? She'll do nicely. Does she like steak sauce? T (nervously emerging from behind the princess): No! You shall not have her. I am prince Monotony and I shall defeat you in battle. D (starts giggling): Defeat me? You? Don't trip over you shoes little boy. T takes a wild swing at D's wing. It bounces off & T falls down. D (angry now): Well, stupid little prince, your life is at an end. Any fool knows that dragons have shock-hardened wings. Totally inpenetrable. The only soft spot on a dragon is our soft underbelly, right here (points). But it's too late for you. I shall fry you, then I shall burn your entire kingdom. Then I shall carry off your princess, screaming her lungs out and eat her for lunch! P (stepping forward): And what if I don't scream? D: You're the princess? P: Um hum. and I like hansome, brave dragons. D (puffing out his chest): Do you? Well, I'm certainly your dragon. P: Are you wings REALLY shock-hardened? D: The best (pats them). It'd take a 5 inch armour piercing shell to break these babies. P: Wow! And can you REALLY fly? D: Like a hawk! Hop on and we'll go ravage a few villages, carry off a bunch of steers for dinner and have a dandy time. What say? P: Yes! Yes! Yes!!! She hops on the dragons back and off they fly, leaving the rest of the people with gaping mouths. A bit of interlude music by clarinet. Narrator: And so they did. Having a dandy time, carrying off bulls and goats, burning up forests and terrifying peasants. After a week of ravaging, they returned to the dragon's lair to take up daily life. Act II: The dragon's cave. Dragon is sitting in an easy chair. Enter Princess. Scene 1. D: Ah, there you are my dear. Now it's tea time. You must learn to do the tea just so. It's a mug of near-boiling water, a bag of Earl Grey -- pekoe cut, simmered for precisely 4 minutes and 28 seconds. (He blows CO2 on the cup, then sticks in the tea bag.) D: Now count with me: 1-one-thousand, 2-one-thousand, 3-one-thousand, ... A bit of interlude music by clarinet. D: 4 minutes and 27-one-thousand, 4 minutes and 28-one-thousand. Done! D (sniffs & sighs): Flawless. This is how things are done. Now bring me the Dragon Times and I'll read you the news. P (does): Here it is. D: Fine. You're a very clever girl. We're going to be quite happy together. Now then, the front page: "Dragon Disasterous strikes terror into southern kingdoms. In another daring move, Dragon Disasterous took the kingdom of ACK-NAK by suprise yesterday, burning out over 600 of the king's best troops as they attempted to prevent him from entering the treasury. DD made off with a minimum of 60 sacks of gold, according to sources close to the king. This is DD's ninth invasion in as many years." P: Wow! You're fantastic! [A bit of interlude music] Scene 2. Narrator: And so things went. The princess and the dragon were marvelously happy together for many months. Unfortunately, dragons and little girls have slightly different senses of time. D: Ah, there you are my dear. Now it's tea time. P: Again? Why can't we go out and ravage some villages? It's so boring in the cave all alone. D: Now, dear. Don't get cross. It was only last march that we raided your father's kingdom. We must give them time to get over it and to grow a new crop of gold pieces. P: When do we get to go? D: Oh, say next January. Right after the holidays. P: Janurary?! That's six months away! I want to ravage something right NOW! D: Patience, patience. Now my tea... P: Earl Grey, 4 minutes and 28 seconds. D: And now the Dragon Times. Would you like to read the headlines? P: No. I already know the headlines. April 7, 1255. "Dragon Disasterous strikes terror into southern kingdoms." Why don't you at least get a different newspaper? Do you HAVE to read the same paper time and time again? D: 1255 was a very good year. When I'm done with this , I'll get another. Now relax. "In another daring move, Dragon Disasterous took the kingdom of ACK-NAK by suprise yesterday..." [A bit of interlude music] Scene 3. Narrator: And so things went. Princesses are not as patient as dragons however. Especially not creative preincesses. One day... D: (starts drinking his tea): Ummm. (Slurps and starts hacking badly.) What??! What is this? What have you done to my tea, girl? P: You noticed. I'm impressed. That's Earl Grey tea, ORANGE pekoe cut. D: You know I like my tea as a Pekoe cut! How dare you change things like this?? P: You told me you'd try anything once. D: Yes, but, but, ruining my tea?! P: It isn't that bad. It's actually quite good tea. D: Certainly it is, but , but it's DIFFERENT! Well I suppose... (begins to drink) Bring me my paper. P (does). D: Ah, the dragon times. "Dragon Disasters: Rookie knight strikes terror into the sourthern dragon leagues." WHAT?? What's this? What's happened to my paper? September 29, 1437? Where is my paper girl? Are you trying to ruin me? P: Oh, that. I stopped by the shop while getting tea and thought I'd get a new edition. I used the old one to light the stove. Any interesting news? D: Oh! Princesses! They're hopeless. This is all some garbage about a knight named Tony. He's out messing up the preseason rankings. P: Tony? Prince Monotony?? What's he done? D: Yes Prince Monotony. You know him? This isn't that little runt is it? P: He's my future husband. D: Well, he's been out fighting like a wild man. I never should have shown him that weak spot. He's killed six dragons this summer. Six! That's only one short of Sir George's record. Well, George needen't worry. Your prince Tony is gonna lose #7. P: What? Why?? D: He's going up against the Ice Dragon tomorrow. You can't kill an Ice Dragon with a sword. P: No! Not my Tony. D: Yep. In six hours Tony'll be history. P: Oh PLEASE, please, Dragon Disasterous. Please help Tony. D: Save him? That little monster? Never. I'd sooner root for the Celtics. P: Oh, DD. I LOVE him. You must save him. You must. (starts to cry.) D: No! NO! Don't do that. Anything but tears. I HATE weepy princesses. OK, OK. I'll help your prince. I detest kibitizers. [A bit of interlude music] Act III: Elsewhere. Narrator: And off they flew, as fast as the wind. They had to arrive in time to tell Tony the secret of Ice Dragons before he was flash frozen. They flew in just as the Ice Dragon had beaten Tony back for the final time... T and I are fighting, T losing. D & P swoop down and yell to the fallen Tony: Tony! Flick your Bic!! He does, and I retreats, screaming: I'm melting! I'm melting! Aggg!! Narrator: And so Tony was saved. He and the Princess were married promptly in a hugh ceremony. DD returned to his cave to sleep off the rest of the century. The King and Queen continued to rule dully on their throne for many years. Several years after their death someone noticed, and they were buried with full honors. T & P came to rule the land. They had twins, and the princess was never bored again for the rest of her life.