THE PIRATE PRINCESS Homeless Waif 9: dirty, always hungry, but clever Pirate #1: The leader. Ugly, *tries* to be cruel, but is too good hearted. Pirate #2: The follower. Not quite a clever, also *tries* to be cruel. King: A mean, but stupid tyrant. Sailors, Townsfolks. Scene 1 A lonely quay. Sparse settings. [Waif comes in, searching the ground.] W: Oh yeah! It's a big one too! [Picks up something. Takes a bite.] Tasty! [Another bite.] Ooh! Long grained Japanese. [Another bite.] and just a hint of broth [Last bite.] Yummy! Where's there's one grain, there's sure to be another. [Searches more.] Ps: [From off-stage. Waif hides.] Oh we're the pirates of the sea we are so very cruel we make our captives scrub the deck and always feed them gruel. We rob and pillage, loot and burn we fly the Jolly Roger we're the meanest pirates in the world and not just some old codger! P1: We'll slit your throat for a six-pence we'll hang you for a crown. we'll... P2: Hey, uh. I don't think that's quite right. P1: For a six-pence? Sure, we'll do that for a six-pence. P2: No no. The coger thing. I don't think we have proper noun-verb agreement. p1: [glares] P2: You said ``We're not some dumb old coger'' that should have been ``We're not some dumb old cogers.'' Plural. P1: [Pulls knife] If I slit your throat, will that make proper noun-verb agreement? You call yourself a pirate! Just what have we pirated since you came on board? P2: Well, we stopped six ships, and we got, um three ducks, a goose, a dog, 67 pairs of eglets, and 4,000 head of cabbage. P1: The dog had fleas, it ate the birds, then jumped overboard, neither one of us wear shoe laces, and I hate cabbage! We're going to have to change something. P2: Our socks? P1: [Yelling] No! Pirates don't wear clear socks. We've got to find something more profitable. Our current return on investment stinks. P2: Well, ah. We captured six ships, sacked a town... P1: Three houses does not a town make! And there was nothing there to loot. They were so poor that we ended up giving THEM cabbage. P2: We tried to rob a caravan. And there was the pyramid scheme. P1: Which we lost our shirts on. Egyptians are too clever for those things. We're gonna have to find something else... [Waif spots a grain of rice and reaches out for it.] P2: Like... [grabs her] Ransom! Ha ha ha!!! Well, my little sweetie, you wouldn't happen to be worth anything, would you? P1: Na. She's just a beggar. Let's just dump her in the ocean. W: NO! no. My daddy... P1: You daddy's what? What could he pay us? More cabbage? W: He's he's.. the king! He'd pay you plenty. P1: You don't look like a princess to me. You looks pretty poor. W: No. really, ah, I'm just running away from the castle. Didn't you ever read the book, `The pauper and the prince'? P2: Oh, so you're like, escaping from the castle to have some fun? W: Yes. That's it! P1: I don't know. What do you know about being a princess? W: Once I fell asleep on a pile of matresses and got a sore in my back 'cause there was a pea underneath. P2: Well, that's what a princess would do. P1: I don't know... W: and another time I pricked my finger on a spinning wheel. P1: I don't know... [Croak from off-stage] P2: Ah ha! [grabs a frog] NOW we can prove it! Here's a frog. Kiss it, and turn it into a price! W: I can't do that. P1: And why not? If you're a real princess? W: 'Cause it's not an enchanted frog. I'm princess, I can tell. P1: Yeah? Prove it! W: [Kisses frog] See! It's still a frog. Just like I said. P2: That's right. I guess she IS a princess after all. P1: OK. On to the ship! We'll be rich at last! And you, my dear, had better quake in your boots. We're gonna make you scrub the decks and mend the sails and eat cabbage day and night! W: [smiles] Cabbage? ________________________________________________________________ Scene II P1: [Writing] Dear king. Pay us or else we will.. W: [eating a cabbage] You can't address a king like that. You've got to say ``Your royal highness'' P1: [tosses that sheet] Dear royal highness, Pay us or else we will.. W: and you can't be crude either. You have to explain the situation first. Nicely. P1: [tosses that sheet] Dear royal highness, We grabbed you kid. Pay us or else we will.. W: That isn't how you do it at all. He'd just laugh at you. P1: [tosses 3rd sheet] Well if your so smart, YOU write it. W: Dearest royal father. By an unfortunate set of circumstances, I find myself in the hands of... P1: Clutches! W: in the clutches of two pirates. P2: two terrible and bloodthirsty pirates W: two terrible and bloodthirsty pirates. They humbly request the payment of... how much would you like? P1: Oh, ah... time and labor is about 2 pounds 5 for 6 days, 65% overhead P2: and kidnapping surcharge. P1: another pound. And materals... How many cabbage have you eaten? W: 163 P1: [look at her funny] Let's say an even 5 pounds. W: request five pounds and will assure my safe and prompt delivery back to you. Sincerly, princess Snap Dragon. P2: Yeah? P1: Yeah. P2: Yeah! P1: Now we have to deliver it. Can we wrap it around a rock and toss it through his window? P2: No. You have to deliver it by hand. But if we deliver it ourselves, he'll catch us. We'd better make Snap Dragon deliver it. W: [Opens mouth, looks at cabbage and thinks] No, if I did that, I'd be able to get away. P1: She's right again. We're pirates. We'll just stop a ship and make them deliver it for us. ________________________________________________________________ Scene III P2: Cabbage stew again? Can't you cook anything else? W: [munching on a cabbage] I've got some leftover cole slaw... P2: NO! W: Sour Kraut? P2: [makes a face] W: Stuffed cabbage P2: If I see one more cabbage, I'll scream! W: [Shows him a cabage head w/nose, eyes, etc.] P1: [Screams & rolls around on the deck] P1: [comes in, looks at P1] Are you sure you're a real princess? It's been three weeks and we haven't heard a thing. W: I'm sure he'll pay up any moment now. I can't understand... P1: Well, he'd better! We've been sitting here doing nothing all this time with nothing but cabbage to eat. How much cabbage do have left, anywas? W: 3,102 heads. P1: You've eaten 900 cabbages in 4 weeks?? W: 898. They were very good cabbages. P1: Well, we can't spend our life here, waiting for your father. We've got to go out and do some pirating. The next ship we see we're attacking. P2: Yes! [looks about] There's one now! Let's go! P1: Ha ha! You'd better go below little princess. We're goin to do some savage and terrible pirating. Raise the Jolly Roger! Set the sails. All hands on deck! [Uses spyglass] W: [grabbing at the glass] Lemme see. Lemme see. P1: You don't want to look, 'cause what we're going to do to them is horrible [grimaces] W: Oh, come on. Lemme see. I promise not to tell anyone. [Gets the glass] Oh... Are you sure you want to attack that ship? P1: Of course. It's probably filled with jewels and gold and riches, and W: That's the ``Petit choix''. It docks at Puerto Pobre all the time. I don't think it has much gold on board. P1: Oh yeah? Just what does it carry? W: Cabbage. P1: [aghast] Reef the sails! Drop the anchor! Haul down the Jolly Roger! P2: How about that ship? W: The Flower of Coli? P1: No. [long pause, looking for ships] W: That's the one! It's the Regal Eagle, the king's ship. It's probably loaded down with loot. P1: Raise the Jolly Roger! Set the sails. All hands on deck! P1 & 2: Oh we're the pirates of the sea we are so very cruel [hands Waif a song sheet] we make our captives scrub the deck and always feed them gruel. P1: Load the cannons! Prepare to fire! P2: Ah, Captian. P1: Load the cannons! What are you waiting for? P2: The cannon balls. We, ah, we pawned them, remember? P1: Ah, blast and creeping cabbages! What do we do now? W: How big is a cannon ball? P1: You ARE a dumb little girl, aren't you? A cannon ball is heavy and black and round and about this big: [Holds hands in a ball shape. Waif places a cabbage into his hands.] P1: Hallahuya! Load the cannons! Prepare to fire! Take aim. Fire!!! [Kaboom! Kaboom!] [King sails into view] K: Fire back you idiots! Fire! Sailor: Aggg! I can't see. I've got cabbage in my eyes! K: Load those cannons! Take this you barbarians... [gets hit] P1: Board her! Surrender or be put to the sword! Victory! Sweet victory is ours! Back to the pirate ship with you. P1: So, you wouldn't ransom your own daughter, huh? Some kind of a king you are. Now you'll be sorry. K: Daughter? I haven't got any daughters, you fools! P1: [perplexed] Oh. Hmmm. Oh, Snap Dragon... W: [sheepishly] Oh, yeah. Well, you know, mistakes will happen. [weak smile] P2: I'll slice her to bits! I'll hang her from the yard arms! I'll keel haul her! I'll... W: Look, it isn't really all that bad. We do have the king, and his whole ship full of treasure. And... Say, where IS his ship full of treasure? P2: Ahoy! They've gotten away. They've slipped the surly bonds of earth! They've escaped our wicked web. They've split the scene, they've jumped bail, they've P1: Shut up! We'll just take the king and ransom him instead. He should be worth plenty. Onward to port. ________________________________________________________________ Scene IV P2: Make way! Make way! Attention ye landlubbers! Slaves of the fields, rodents of the earth. Pay good attention to what we have to say or you'll regret it with your heads. We have here, captive in our ship, a man you might never see again, if you aren't mindful. We have your king! Crowd: [whispers] The king, king. The king is captive. Captive! The king is captive. Hip hip hooray! Down with the tyrant! Freedom is ours at last! Hooray! P1: I don't think you quite understand the gravity of the situation. We hold your king. If you don't pay us a million gold dabloons, you'll never see him again. C: We never want to see him again. Now take him and sail on. NOW! Or else we'll put YOU in gaol! [Ps retreat, mouths open] ________________________________________________________________ Epilog W: And so it came to pass that the pirates, the king, and the waif sailed away. They crossed the seas until they found a small lonely island where they settled down. Not-so-happily-ever-after. They passed the rest of their years hunting, fishing, and farming. Cabbage.